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The Existential Compost

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11th May 2005

They're all out to get me @ 15:31

Current Grassiness: mischievous mischievous

Sometimes I can't help feeling singled out. I know its nonsense but I like to think that the reason some things happen is because of a greater conspiracy. One involving the "Powers that be" be that the illuminati, the Government, MI5, Tescos, the man in the post office that looked like Elvis or whom-so-ever is in favour this week and Me. Of course, if you know me well you'll know I really dont believe half the shit I spout but I gain great pleasure from trying to convince people that the fruits of my over active imagination are real. Again those that know me well join in and make even more outlandish suggestions. Those that dont look at me bewildered, confused and even concerned for my mental well being. But I assure you as I said, most of the conspiracy stuff is utter bollocks and I know it.

Anyway, today I mentioned in a comment on one of poggs' posts about buses how whenever I'm waiting for a bus none will show yet when Im not you cant move for the buggers. Which made me think. I've never really written about this side to me. Ok some people love it. Of course others hate it (probably because they think I really do believe the shite I spout) some even become hostile, which I find sad.

So. After that windfilled explanation on with the show....Here for your delight and mind to chew over, are how they are trying to undermine me....why? I havent a clue....possibly because Im the real heir to the throne....



1. When I'm waiting for a bus or train :-

  • a) millions of buses or trains that I can't get will sail past empty yet mine will always be chockablock and infrequent.

  • b) The bus or train I want will only come every 3 years even though

  • c) The line of buses I cant get will go so far down the road from the bus stop that the bus I want cant see me and will go sailing past on its merry way.

  • d) Some old myopic biddy (who is of course a secret agent for the sinister organisation) will flag my bus down and then wave it on because she doesnt want it (without ANY consideration for others that may be waiting for it)



2. I'll find some food/hair product I really like. Then mysteriously (like almost over night) it will disappear from the shop shelves. An example of this is Heinz Pepperoni Pizza's. Yumtastic. Now you cant find them for love nor money.

3. I'll find a resturant that does really good quality food with really excellent service. When I take others to impress them the service is shite, the food substandard or its closed or changed management.

4. When in a rush I'll always end up behind Mr "Slow and considerate" and in front of Mr "Im in a rush get a move on you twat"

5. Some fucker will go into my bag and discharge the battery on my MP3 Player the day I need to listen to it. The same fucker will do the same to my mobile phone when I've not got my charger.

6. Whenever I'm waiting for an important piece of mail. The postman (who is in the employ of the "sinister" organisation behind my persecution) will hold on to the post or accidently lose it on purpose.

7. If I get excited over a particular TV listing, like so excited I cant wait and am bubbling with anticipation like a bottle of Grand Prix Mumm

  • Some fucker will call on the phone when its on

  • Some fucker will call round when its on

  • Some famous fucker will die and it will be resheduled (or delayed thus fucking up any video settings)

  • Some fucker will do something tasteless and the program/film will be indefinately postponed on the grounds of taste


8. If I get into a TV serial:-


  • Be assured that someone will distract me and drag me away during a crucial moment

  • I will forget (due to the mind rays that they beam at me) and miss key episodes

  • It will be rescheduled to a time

    • - when I cant be bothered to stay up

    • - thats abhorent to God

    • - when Im at work

    • - when I'm otherwise occupied

9. When I really fancy a cup of tea, a bowl of cornflakes or something milk involved, sinister agents raid my fridge or turn any milk in it sour.

10. The expensive electrical gadget I covet for months turns out to be a turkey when I finally get the thing. Either that or I'll buy it and a week later it'll be like 50p for 3.



There are more....but they've turned the brain rays onto me again and I cant remember what they are....
 
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[User Picture Icon]
From:storm1jet2
Date:11th May 2005 07:41 (UTC)
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You are not alone - I'm there with you! Although I haven't got a bus in years! I used to ponder how I could stand at the bus stop for 45 minutes and yet the buses were due every 20 minutes!
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From:storm1jet2
Date:11th May 2005 07:42 (UTC)
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Oh look there's an example - I have been working hard all day - its coffee time - I stop to post a comment - my boss appears behind me - see - its not just you its me too!
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From:stegzy
Date:12th May 2005 01:29 (UTC)
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Your boss is definately part of the global conspiracy.
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From:wimble
Date:11th May 2005 07:44 (UTC)
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I've been keep Chicago Town Pizzas in the freezer for years as "can't be bothered to cook" food. Now Tescos only ever have the Triple Cheese variety in stock. Which aren't bad, but what's happened to the Pepperoni, or Ham and Pinapple? There's space on the shelves, their in the online shopping list, but they're never in the actual shop!

WRT buses, it's an established phenomenon, similar to toast always landing butter-side down, or the other queue always moving faster.
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From:tvor
Date:11th May 2005 08:14 (UTC)
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Oh yes, i always pick the short queue and it ends up moving the slowest because some old dear is counting out her pennies at the counter or fussing over how much this or that costs.

Busses... gah the bain of my existence. Mine is always the last to arrive, if it arrives and if it shows up on time, it's packed. Some find that lighting a cig makes the bus finally show up. I don't smoke but i've seen this phenomenon happen.

I don't often get sucked into the trendy new tv shows and when i finally do decide to watch one that everyone is talking about, it's crap and am told the next day "oh that wasn't one of the better episodes" meh.

It's all sod's law. The first time my bf gets to meet my family, is the day before my dad goes in hospital for an operation.

And don't talk to me about trains. We don't get along.
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From:stegzy
Date:12th May 2005 01:42 (UTC)
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The ignition of tobacco products to speed the arrival of buses does work. But you have to be really enjoying it to make it work. The non-smoking method to making a bus arrive quicker is to start walking toward your destination or to the shop to get ciggies so that you can do the "light a fag and the bus'll come" trick. The bus will surely arrive when you are just that little bit too far to run back to the bus stop in time to catch the bugger....
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From:tvor
Date:12th May 2005 02:54 (UTC)
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It's all your fault,you know. Yesterday after work i *just* missed a bus and the next 2 busses that were going in my direction were late. By the time i finally got to where i could catch a connecting bus, *that* bus sat at the terminal an extra 5 or 7 minutes before leaving as well so it took me an hour to get home when it could have only taken me half that. ;)
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From:stegzy
Date:12th May 2005 01:35 (UTC)
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Arrrgh! Pepperoni Chicago Town Pizzas are in abundance here! Its as if they are the only flavour! (And bloody handy for when you get those late night munchies)...

Curiously a friend of mine with northern roots that lives in the wooly wilds of Essex bemoans the lack of Hollands Meat & Potato Pies in that region. Maybe the Sinister Organisation is based in the north of England....yes...that'll be it....probably somewhere innocuous....like Preston...or Barnoldswick
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From:brusse
Date:11th May 2005 09:12 (UTC)
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I think my postman likes to hide my mail under the seat of his truck for a few days before putting it in my mailbox.

Postman Pat is just evil propaganda, making us think that postmen are nice people!
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From:stegzy
Date:12th May 2005 01:23 (UTC)
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Postman Pat is just evil propaganda, making us think that postmen are nice people!

You've noticed that too? Just like Balamory shows the Scottish as kind helpful and slightly dippity people who invent things out of yoghurt pots.....The TV is a tool of the agents of the Sinister Organisation....
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From:brusse
Date:12th May 2005 02:59 (UTC)
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Shhh! Not so loud! About half me friends list are Scots!
From:mer__girl
Date:11th May 2005 19:43 (UTC)
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6. Whenever I'm waiting for an important piece of mail. The postman (who is in the employ of the "sinister" organisation behind my persecution) will hold on to the post or accidently lose it on purpose.


The bolded line made me pee myself. But only a little.
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From:stegzy
Date:12th May 2005 01:14 (UTC)
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I hope nothing was stained
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From:think4yrself
Date:11th May 2005 22:20 (UTC)
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You don't have to convince me! ;) For instance, there's this tram, tram number 6, to be exact, that I take daily to get to my friend's place (where I'm crashing at the moment). Well, besides number 6, there's only one other tram, number 7, that passes my stop. And guess which one's always just passed my stop and which one always arrives five seconds after I get there? Yup... I rest my case!
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From:stegzy
Date:12th May 2005 01:13 (UTC)
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The agents of the sinister organisation have their designs on you too then eh??
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From:think4yrself
Date:12th May 2005 01:48 (UTC)
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Is there any other explanation? I think not!

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