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The Existential Compost

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9th June 2005

A Problem Solved @ 14:53


Kids & Antisocial Behaviour

Ok..there's been a lot in the news recently about gangs of marauding kids terrifying adults; kids playing "happy slapping"; kids wearing hoodies and goth stuff striking fear into the heart of elders; kids attacking adults; kids attacking other kids; kids mistaking batteries for smarties; generally kids being a nuisance.

These marauding shit bags go about causing havoc then blame any of the following


  • Violence in films certified 18+

  • Drugs

  • Drink and alcohol

  • Keith Chegwin

  • Hooded tops or Hoodies

  • Lack of parental discipline

  • Lizard men

  • Violence in computer games

  • Video and non-video cell phones

  • little Johnny

  • Broken family homes

  • Far too liberal parents

  • Lack of youth facilities

  • poor diets

  • music

  • Youth orientated magazines that feature articles of a sexual nature



As this reign of terror continues there will be calls to ban or control availability of


  • mobile phones without video capability

  • mobile phones with video capability

  • Certificate 18 movies

  • Porn

  • Cigarettes

  • Sugar

  • fire

  • guns

  • knives

  • hoodies and other hooded vestments

  • donkeys

  • sharp edges of paper

  • scary moments in Dr Who

  • video games that feature violence and gore

  • radiators

  • rock music

  • FHM, Just 17, Bunty, Fly-fishing Weekly

  • Fishing rods

  • Smarties

  • Batteries

  • Bull Bars on 4x4's



All things, including Bunty, that are enjoyed by us adults and sensible types. So we are made to suffer when they are banned or controlled or made to feel like uncaring types. Like being at school and some wanker fucks about and doesn't own up so the whole class gets kept behind after school or is banned from going on the field trip to the aspic jelly factory or something thus ruining our lives because we really wanted to go into a career involving the manufacture of aspic jelly and by not being allowed to go we fail to attain our lifes ambition, or something.

Anyway, to save all this problem....



Why dont they just BAN KIDS!

Its that simple!

Im no longer a kid so it wont apply to me so that's ok. :-D Of course it wouldn't have to be a complete ban as there are those kids, some of which are children of our own, that are really well behaved and bundles of cuteness that feed you peas in family pubs in Manchester, or pretend to be fairies at the bottom of the garden or something but surely a ban of some sort could be brought into affect. Any children aged between 6 and 16 could be carted off to an island somewhere to fend for themselves (a la Lord of the Flies) then when they come of age they are removed from the island and taught how to interact with the rest of the world. Simple effective and cheap! :-D

Of course there is a problem here I know....I can hear you say...."But what about those countries that are land locked or are far away from inhabitable islands? After all I wouldn't want little Johnnie to get a chill sat on Rockall."

Well that's simple too...Open the coal mines and cotton mills again. There's still loads of old coal under Yorkshire and we all need clothes to keep us warm and cotton is much more environmentally friendly than nylon. Opening the coal mines would mean that we would have an abundance of coal which we could burn in winter on our fires then we can also use some of the kids as chimney sweeps to help clean out the soot. :-D Fantastic! The kids would learn valuable life skills such as mining, weaving, cleaning and the intricacies of shift work.

To make it fair they would be paid a small sum of money, held in trust by their parents (or if they are really naughty kids the parents can use the funds to buy beer or play bingo with), each month of say...£40 a month...then when they come of age they can spend the money on themselves (i.e. to buy a nice shiny knife or replica firearm) and this would teach them valuable money management skills!

Meanwhile we, the adults, can continue our enjoyment of dangerous child seats, concrete surfaces in swing parks, witches hat roundabout things, smarties, batteries, violent video games and movies, knives, Keith Chegwin, hooded robes, Satanism and be able to get prescription medication in easy to open bottles with out fear that our precious charges would come to harm.

Think of the money saved! We would no longer need to print "KEEP OUT OF THE REACH OF CHILDREN" on things thus saving ink and money. Swing parks would no longer have to have them expensive recycled tyre rubber mat jobbies. Cinemas would no longer have to charge some people £5 and then others £3. Stress levels would reduce thus increasing attendance at work and productivity. We wouldn't have to go to badly acted under funded and over "dereligiousised" nativities and school plays. Schools could close or be turned into luxury apartments (thus solving the housing crisis) and donkeys at the beach will no longer suffer the inhumanity of having to carry a screaming brat along the sewage ridden shores of seaside resorts. Rides in theme parks would no longer have height restrictions and we can finally have peace from the likes of Carol Vorderman, Esther Rantzen and Lynn Foulds-Wood and the best of all we can all enjoy our super fast Internet porn without the fear of little Johnnie finding it.



Problem solved! :-D


Views expressed in this entry are not necessarily those of the author (if you didn't already know)
 
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Comments

 
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From:kyaathecatlord
Date:9th June 2005 06:54 (UTC)
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Those damn lizard men!
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From:stegzy
Date:9th June 2005 07:00 (UTC)
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They get everywhere! Constantly causing trouble and misdeeds. They shouldnt be allowed.....
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From:kyaathecatlord
Date:9th June 2005 07:02 (UTC)
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Ban them forcibly!
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From:celticblissy
Date:9th June 2005 08:31 (UTC)
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They might be right on Keith Chegwin though. ;)
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From:stegzy
Date:9th June 2005 11:35 (UTC)
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He is Noel Edmunds' darkest minion.
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From:celticblissy
Date:9th June 2005 11:41 (UTC)
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NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Don't mention the Evil NE
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From:jedicat
Date:9th June 2005 08:59 (UTC)
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That's quite a modest proposal.

It made me laugh muchly...Thankees!!!
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From:thedabara
Date:10th June 2005 06:47 (UTC)
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Hey, and down here in Cornwall they have the old tin mines!
From:feelingvacant
Date:12th June 2005 07:44 (UTC)
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an excellent idea

and very funny
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From:think4yrself
Date:13th June 2005 04:06 (UTC)
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The best idea I've heard all day!

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