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The Existential Compost

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15th March 2007

TV @ 14:29


Last night I thought I'd break my WOW habit and watch some TV. So I picked up the TV guide and thumbed through it with the express intention of finding something to watch. My head exploded with despair. After I picked up the pieces of skull and brain I had splattered all over the living room I analysed the scheduled programmes I had missed.





UK TV

For the benefit of our Merrycan and European cousins let me explain how TV works in the UK. If you want a television receiver in your house you must have a licence. You can have a black and white CCTV monitor without a licence as long as the equipment is not capable of receiving a television signal. To have video recorders, TV's or even a Computer with a TV card, regardless of whether they are connected to an aerial or not, in the UK you must have a TV licence.

The proceeds of which go to fund the BBC who make great TV programmes when they try. Furthermore, the BBC are also allowed to raise revenue by selling their programming to other networks worldwide. However, they are unable to make revenue by advertising so unlike in Merrycar where <Commercial Break>

Are you angry? Are you keen on sports? Do you weep when you see little kittens having their head bitten off by Tigers? Then why not JOIN THE ARMY! Yes join the army and get shouted at by a foul balding man every day of your career. If you're lucky you might just get shot at....and if you don't then maybe you can shoot someone and get paid for it! SO Join the army today


Drink our drink its good for you it makes you look cool and sexy, drink our drink because we tell you to and if you dont you'll not be popular with anyone


</commercial break>

you get adverts every two minutes and the programmes are really just advertising space fillers

<Commercial Break>

Buy this car, it will make you seem more financially bouyant than your friends. Encourage your partner to buy one too that way you can feel more superior to your neighbour who never seem to invite you their kinky sex parties


Have no life? Text "Mugme" to 833434 and get a free ringtone every 20 minutes (The ringtone is free but the text will cost you £4305 a letter) Go on! Your life will seem pointless and might as well end unless you have these ringtones!



</commercial break>

which can get a bit annoying after a while. Anyway because I pay just over £100 a year to the government BBC I get to watch a handful of advertisement free channels. Further more, if I feel I want to be sold to or have every intricate moment of a drama explained to me as though I am a thicko with no clue whatsoever then I can watch ITV who gain their revenue mostly from the sale of advertising space, or I can enjoy the relative "I'm immune to advertising but I'll watch this interestingly subversive factual current affairs programme aimed at the 20-45 age bracket" chinstrokery of Channel 4 (when they are not showing Big Pervert or something). Indeed, if I feel that I haven't had enough Americanisation I can tune into Channel 5 and get a fix of syrupy slush whenever I feel like it.

That is until recently. When the powers that be decided that 5 channels isn't enough and we needed to fall inline with the rest of the world and have Digital TV. Behold Freeview. A multi channel sewer of creativity, behold several other BBC channels (for free) such as BBC3, BBC4, BBC News 24, CBBC (for kiddies), CBeebies (for kiddies that don't know they are kiddies yet), ITV2, ITV 3 and ITV-somewhere-near-the-bottom-of-the-list-so-you-never-remember-its-there-4, More4, E4 (for yoofs that do EEE's man), Film Four, UKTV Hitler Coast Alan Titchmarsh's Natural History History, Q-PVC, Bid up, Bid down, Bid sideways all manner of shite and dirge.

All for free.

Because I pay just over £100 a year.

Good that isn't it?

What's more is some people pay a further £400 a year for the privilege of watching everything that has been shown on the free channels in the past again and again, more American TV and the experience of being sold to every 15 minutes (yet more adverts).

Ace.

I dont agree with paying twice for something I've already paid for so instead I tend to download illegally programmes I really want to watch (ie reruns of old Dr Who and Lost) or rent and rip via LOVEFilm. But each to their own I suppose.




Anyway I read the TV schedule and this is some of the "quality" televisual treats available for the general British public:-



My Dog is Fat and So am I - Fat people and their fat dogs. Gripping reality TV. NOT

Freaky Eaters - Fat? Watching telly? Hell you'll never eat again after watching this (Though you'll still watch telly...wont you?)

Celebrity Dog SuperStar - the public vote for their favorite celebrity so that the rescued dog they are looking after doesn't get put down

Celebrity Knitwork The public vote on their favorite celebrities knitting patterns. This week Imoelda Staunton knits a spectacle case out of her own navel fluff

Something without that annoying prick Patrick Keilty - A programme, possibly the news, without Patrick Keilty. His mum will be disappointed

Something with Ben Fogel in it - He's not on telly enough these days so slap a repeat on and nobody will notice.

I was a Celebrity But I Bummed Some Rabbits in Michael Barrymore's Swimming Pool While off my face on Crystal Meth Make Me Famous Again (Please) - Washed up hasbeens vie to be famous once more for 15 weeks while they try to rebuild their career by doing things they wouldnt normally lower themselves to do had they still had some self respect left.

Don't Poke Me with a Spoon - Situation comedy, probably about a married couple who secretly hate each other and the trials and tribulations of everyday life with teenagers. With canned laughter incase you don't know where to laugh.

Holidays you'll never afford - Watch dreamily as a washed up public school ponce that used to be an interior designer shows you "holidays you'll never afford unless you sell your children for medical experiments and maybe burn your house down for the insurance" in far off countries you've never heard of and are probably made up anyway.

IF...The World Still Had Protozoic Sludge - Popular science scientists and people crying out for research grants discuss what 21st century life might be like if the world was still covered in Protozoic sludge in an effort to justify the millions of pounds already wasted on them by popular Universities.

My Mother was Adolf Hitler - Someone like Adam Hart-Davies bumbles about the countryside on a unicycle interviewing friends of Nelly Bainbridge of Stithians who always claimed to be Adolf Hitler who escaped occupied Germany in a shoe box and had a sex change to disguise his identity.

Old King Coal - Soap Opera set in Yorkshire following the fortunes and struggles of a typical family during the Arthur Scargill era. Cunningly set at a time where if the soap isn't popular they can end the series by closing darn t'pit. Starring Dr Who's David Tennant as Arthur Scargill.

Dead Hicks - Science fiction drama for thirtysomethings filmed in and around Solihull where every week parts of which are substitute for far off places such as Delhi, New York and Birmingham. This week the team are visited by their arch-nemisis, the sinister Tax Inspector (played by Patrick Keilty)




I'm so grateful I spend £100 a year on this quality programming. Its like Waitrose selling Kwiksave No Frills Bread. After all it must be good if Waitrose sell it!
 
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Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:zoefruitcake
Date:15th March 2007 15:29 (UTC)
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if I feel I want to be sold to or have every intricate moment of a drama explained to me as though I am a thicko with no clue whatsoever then I can watch ITV

I HATE THAT! It's a plague that's moving to other channels too now
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:15th March 2007 15:53 (UTC)
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Whats that? You Hate it? Its moving to OTHER channels? Gosh you must hate that. Especially as it is moving to other channels now....You might need to explain that to me. ;-)
From:das_clive
Date:15th March 2007 17:42 (UTC)
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a washed up public school ponce that used to be an interior designer

Are you being horrible to Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen? Because I might have to never talk to you again (that's right! No tea and cake!) if you are. One day I will find Laurence in the pretty garden of my majestic stately home, and we'll become best friends. We'll wear frilly-cuffed shirts and discuss whether or not Rococo should be considered a true, independent stylistic movement, or whether it is simply just a sub-category of the Baroque style.

We'll have lots of fun.

I love Laurence.

(And so now you know my terrible secret... *shame*)
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:15th March 2007 18:15 (UTC)
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Erm...no...I was talking about erm....Albert..er Llandudno-Wells....yeah thats the chap Albert Llandudno-Wells hes that weirdo alway guffing off about 1960's tenements and concrete design.....Think he's...er...only on local TV....:-|
From:das_clive
Date:16th March 2007 08:42 (UTC)
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Oh good, that's alright then. You nearly had me going there! :D You're right, anyway - Albert Llandudno-Wells does sound like an eejit.
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From:billzy
Date:15th March 2007 21:08 (UTC)
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hahahahahaha another quality entry :D


Im sad to say im part of the new Virgin Media generalation and my £100 a year plus my £50 a month to Richard Branston-pickle means get get 100+ channels of crap that i dont watch because the missus always has the remote so i use Virgin Broadband to watch all my stuff illegally anyway! lol
[User Picture Icon]
From:celticblissy
Date:15th March 2007 23:17 (UTC)
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Least we no longer get chavtv sky on virgin anymore. and like you all the decent programes I can watch on sky are downloadable
[User Picture Icon]
From:billzy
Date:16th March 2007 15:44 (UTC)
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true!
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 11:28 (UTC)
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Tell you what...why don't you pay me £50 a month and I'll download all your favorite programmes, write them to DVD then come round your house everyday and put it on your telly for you? :-D
[User Picture Icon]
From:billzy
Date:16th March 2007 15:44 (UTC)
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ROFL Does that include my broadband and phone calls?
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 15:46 (UTC)
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Sir...string and yoghurt pots are the future...trust me
[User Picture Icon]
From:billzy
Date:16th March 2007 15:51 (UTC)
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Oh! How fancy! Whats the bandwidth of your string?
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 15:53 (UTC)
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erm 6mm
[User Picture Icon]
From:billzy
Date:16th March 2007 16:00 (UTC)
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perfect for the 1 Lj comment i receive a day! ROFL
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From:think4yrself
Date:15th March 2007 21:42 (UTC)
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*applause*

We have to have a TV license, too.
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 11:34 (UTC)
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I'm surprised by how many other countries have TV licence schemes.
[User Picture Icon]
From:celticblissy
Date:15th March 2007 23:15 (UTC)
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I lol'd then I accepted your point

I belive in the BBC. There are two corperations that have my undieing loyotly in the world, just two and thats Apple Inc and the BBC.

I love the BBC, it os something precious but it has become a little tarnished. That said it is still the best of all British TV and likely the world. I will always be happy to pay my liscence so long as the BBC never has averts and still strives to make some gems amongsts all the crap even the BBC can make.
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From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 11:31 (UTC)
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I used to believe in the BBC. Until, that is, all the hoo har with the Sexy Document. Once those who stood by their beliefs resigned under pressure I kind of felt the last bastion of Britishness had been tainted.
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From:celticblissy
Date:16th March 2007 23:26 (UTC)
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yes but you cannot let a board of temporaries because that is all they are no matter how long they are there, taint your overall view on an establishment that will go on long after they are dead.

they have stumbled but an organisation as old as they are with the record they have shouldbe allowed to pick themselves back up.
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From:aladdin_sane
Date:16th March 2007 10:37 (UTC)
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but there's SKINS with cute teen boys running around in their underwear. There's Grand Designs and there should be LOST but there will be Big Brother soon and there's The Bill and also Corrie but sadly there's Emmerdale for thick council types who think the countyside is their inner thigh.
[User Picture Icon]
From:skwrote
Date:16th March 2007 10:57 (UTC)
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a luv emma dale me. fukin.
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From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 11:32 (UTC)
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You would. Bet you like Jerry Springer too
[User Picture Icon]
From:skwrote
Date:16th March 2007 10:56 (UTC)
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a fukinb luv me telly a duz a wanna go on fukin Trisha
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 11:32 (UTC)
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Do it. I can see you on "I take Crystal Meth and I want the government to pay me for it"

[User Picture Icon]
From:skwrote
Date:16th March 2007 10:58 (UTC)
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an a dunt woch owt but ITV cos bbc is too fkiun posh
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:16th March 2007 11:33 (UTC)
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says it all really

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