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22nd March 2007

Council @ 13:28




Dear Mr Council,

Thank you for repairing the first 30ft or so of Church Street which, incidentally, seems to go past a campaign donors house. I think your chaps did a damn fine job and can only suspect that they are intending to continue their sterling work and finish the rest of the street after their holiday, which it seems, started on Friday last week. The Brierley Pot Holes are in danger of getting European protected status if they happen to remain much longer. Though, on reflection, this may actually be your intention. Am I right? Is Brierley to become a new World Heritage Site? Renown for its pot holes. Of course I am being very presumptuous. The workmen aren't on holiday are they? They're waiting for the speed bumps and traffic calming measures for Church Street that they've got on order. After all there has been a run on them of late. Please accept my apologies!

While I'm on the subject of Church Street, I wrote to you some months previous concerning the dangerous junction of Church Street, Common Road and Brierley Road. I feel that exploiting the danger of this junction would also encourage visitors to the Brierley Pot Holes to experience the junctions thrills and spills. Maybe there could be a small fee levied to each visitor. The proceeds from which could help pay your golf club membership or into some health club scheme. The invitation is open to you and your lovely Lexus. I'm sure you would enjoy the thrill of taking your car out of the shared driveway more, if you brought your favourite car. We could even sell "Barnsley Council Has A Duty of Care" T Shirts at the entrance just to remind passers-by that even though the Council is aware of the dangerous junction, because the junction has listed World Heritage status there is no need to worry about breaches of that duty. Again, we could charge for the T-shirts, that'll help fund us both a nice new widescreen TV. Oooh or how about "Barnsley Council Has A Duty of Care" Breeches! You see? The clever play on words? Duty of Care Breeches...no?? Oh well...Still I think they'd be quite fashionable.

Also we could install a toilet at the bottom of my drive as it seems that most people use it as a public convenience anyway. Isn't there some bylaw or ancient rite or something similar to the laws behind right of way? Maybe we could install a nice marble urinal with all the money from the Tshirts and breeches? I feel these facilities will also come in handy for the daily Brierley Speedway and Grand Prix events which seem to be gaining popularity in the area.

Kind Regards,

Stegzy Gnomepants


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From:fj_warren
Date:22nd March 2007 13:46 (UTC)
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Why not suggest they use the pot holes for a landfill site? That way the local community could be responsible for their own rubbish disposal and save themselves a fortune on council tax! :-)
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From:stegzy
Date:22nd March 2007 15:50 (UTC)
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Hmm...thats a good point.
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From:aki_no_karasu
Date:22nd March 2007 14:45 (UTC)
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Remember to sign in blood! ;)
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From:stegzy
Date:22nd March 2007 15:56 (UTC)
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As it happens I'm fresh out of Quink
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From:billzy
Date:22nd March 2007 14:48 (UTC)
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LOL

Quality.
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From:stegzy
Date:22nd March 2007 15:56 (UTC)
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I've sent it.
From:ex_stephmog743
Date:22nd March 2007 16:17 (UTC)
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Do let us know when you get a reply :P

This reminds me of a rather hilarious letter my mum once sent to some debtors who kept claiming she wans't paying them enough per month and wanted details of her outgoings. Details? They got her life story, in great comedy style :D
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From:zoefruitcake
Date:22nd March 2007 15:05 (UTC)
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I suggest that you laminate it, so that when they spray their tea all over it it is still readable
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From:stegzy
Date:22nd March 2007 15:57 (UTC)
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I've emailed it...that way they can just wipe their screens with their sleeves...
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From:zoefruitcake
Date:22nd March 2007 20:40 (UTC)
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ah, perfect then. Their screens could probably do with a tea and sleeve clean up
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From:aladdin_sane
Date:23rd March 2007 18:20 (UTC)
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I go cottaging at the bottom of your driveway.
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From:think4yrself
Date:27th March 2007 22:13 (UTC)
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I love it just the way it is! ;)

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