The Existential Compost

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25th April 2007

Joseph Wiseman @ 10:40


There was an article on the breakfast telly (no longer with Natasha or Sophie, instead these days it's either Kate Silverton or Sian Williams with either Dermot "Testicles" Murnaghan or Bill Turnbull. Oh and on weekends you sometimes get that dark haired woman who's eyes are too close together). The article was about physical assaults on driving examiners, how they are on the rise and how the union of driving examiners says it's all down to the culture of not taking No for an answer.



Having worked in the service industry for some years now I am all too familiar with this culture. For example:

stegzy - How can I help?
Self-opinionated Wankstain - I want you to help me put 3 pints into this 1 pint jug please.
stegzy - Er. I can't it's against the laws of physics.
Self-opinionated Wankstain - That's not acceptable. I want to speak to your manager.

or

stegzy - How can I help?
Over important Fuckwit - I need you to help develop a transparent, dynamic and flexible framework strategy to empower our co-workers to heighten their productivitity using spoons and blu tac.
stegzy - Surely that will require several think tanks, a working group and a number of cross-departmental forums. It can't be done!
Over important Fuckwit - Nonsense! You have to have several corporate lunches and at least a couple of away days to arrive at such decisions! You can't just pluck something like "It can't be done" out of the ether!

Or

Scruffy smackhead tramp - 'av ya gorranny change der lah?
stegzy - no
Scruffy smackhead tramp - in dat case am gonnarav t'stab yer

Such is society today. No doubt brought on by the Culture of Now and propagated by the increasingly annoying "Everyone's a winner" mentality and non-competitive environment they seem to be rearing children up in today.(I tell you this. If and when I have kids of my own they're so going to be home schooled. None of this Hitler Youth conditioning that seems to go on in schools today). Some people, it seems, really do not expect to hear the word no when they ask for something.

From the simple:

"Can I put Mac OS 10 on this calculator?"
"No"


To the more complex

"Can I put Mac OS 10 on this calculator?"
"No"
"Why?"
"Because you can't"
"Well find me evidence that you can't because I don't believe you"


and the more absurd

"Can I put Mac OS 10 on this calculator?"
"No"
"Why?"
"Because you can't"
"Well get onto Steve Jobs and demand that he do something about it!"


And not just in IT, it's similar in retail environs

"Can I have a pizza please?"
"I'm sorry this is a hardware shop"
"Well that's not my problem is it?!"


And in Libraries

"Do you have a book on the history of pink rhino race meetings held in Milton Keynes between 1999 and 2003?"
"Erm. No"
"Well you bloody well should have! Call this WH Smiths!?"


It seems we don't like to be told no. No is not the answer we like to hear. However it is often the only answer available

"Which Doctor was played by Joseph Wiseman and starring Sean Connery in the film of the same name?"
"No"
"Correct"


I am of the opinion that all that is required is a large scale public celebration of the word "no". Tshirts, badges and hats escribed with the word "NO". The constant playing of "No Limits" by 2Untalented. Banners and kites. Hot air balloons and zeppelins. Feel proud of the word NO as a forbidding word. Embrace it with open arms. Take it to bed with you and touch it up. Say NO today.

Poll #972950 Practice
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 7

"Hello. We are nubile nymphomatic erotic entities from beyond your plain of existance. All we ask is that we provide you with unending sexual pleasure"

View Answers
No
5 (100.0%)

Hi. I would like to give you a job where you only have to work 1 hour a year for upwards of £60k per annum. What do you say?

View Answers
No
5 (100.0%)

"Quick quick! Theres a giant turd falling from the sky to wipe out all mankind! Do you want me to say you?"

View Answers
No
5 (100.0%)

Would you like some marmite

View Answers
NO!
6 (100.0%)

Would you like this magic wallet that produces unlimited cash?

View Answers
No
5 (100.0%)


Its easy isnt it?

Ok thats a bit simplistic. Its not that people dislike the word no. Its just people don't like negativity. It is negativity that we should embrace. Use it to our advantage. Those people banging on about how we should all be POSITIVE in our actions and thoughts are basically fueling this epidemic of violence. We should be more negative. So next time the driving examiner says

I'm terribly sorry. You havent passed


Cheer for joy! Say out loud "Thankyou!". If you feel necessary kiss the examiner on the lips. Remember you have celebrated bad news and that is a just cause. So you failed your driving exam! You can now go and sit in a pub all miserable and resentful. Alcohol consumption generates revenue. Revenue is good for the economy.

The next time the shop man says

I'm terribly sorry but I don't want to serve you because your eyebrows meet in the middle


Don't hit him. Thank him. Such negativity is good. Your eyebrows probably do meet in the middle and that is probably why people call you wolfie behind your back. Go home. Shave. Become self concious. Become reclusive. Let that anger, paranoia and resentment build up. It's good for you! It helps raise the blood pressure which means your heart is pumping faster. Surely that is better for you than it just beating as if you were calm and at rest? Accept that you, like many other people, are disfigured by excessive eyebrow growth. The shop keeper isnt going to get your money. It is your money that he needs to keep the protection racket away from his counter which is probably already splattered with his blood and covered by his bruised body. The police are probably already investigating. Such negative actions create employment. Employment creates revenue. Revenue is good. Think negative. It's good for you and society.

Instead of calling the bus driver a twat because he refuses to change a five pound note. Call him a patriot. His negativity is exactly what this planet needs. So you have to walk the nine miles home in the pouring sodding pissing rain. You will no doubt get some sort of pneumonia and require care in a hospital or somewhere. The care you receive will be provided by nurses. Jobs that will need to be filled. So you might lose a lung or become infected with MRSA. Just think of those lawyers you will be employing to fight for compensation. So the lawyers will take 80% of your award as a fee. 20% is awful! Blow it all on beer and fags. Keep them revenue coffers overflowing.

It isn't your duty to be negative?

Be like an electron. Be minus 1. Be black and white and in reverse. Be negative.
 
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Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:zoefruitcake
Date:25th April 2007 10:07 (UTC)
(Link)
Go home. Shave.

Don't shave. Pluck. And yes, I spelt that right
[User Picture Icon]
From:wimble
Date:25th April 2007 10:38 (UTC)
(Link)
Dammit! No! It's my eyebrow, and I'm keeping it.

(Plus, I'm not a girl. I can't stand the itching as it grows back!)
[User Picture Icon]
From:fj_warren
Date:25th April 2007 10:11 (UTC)
(Link)
It isn't your duty to be negative?

Um . . . . No (sorry). :-(

[User Picture Icon]
From:think4yrself
Date:25th April 2007 10:51 (UTC)
(Link)
Yes, I answered every question the way you wanted me to. ;)
[User Picture Icon]
From:touchofgrey
Date:25th April 2007 13:07 (UTC)
(Link)
Be like an electron. Be minus 1. Be black and white and in reverse. Be negative.

No.

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