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The Existential Compost

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13th May 2005

The Dangers of...part 1 @ 15:15


Ok after yesterdays post some readers asked for warnings on why certain house hold/every day items can be lethal.

celticblissy - Bagpuss

Bagpuss being Emily's cat is lethal because Emily actually had a highly contagious bout of consumption (which is why she looks so gaunt and plays on her own in a disused shop). As the virus is highly contagious contact with Bagpuss would result in infection followed by death. Also early stuffed toys (such as Bagpuss who was Edwardian) had what is known in the trade as "pin eyes" where the eyes are beads on sharp pins. These would not be fastend in in accordance with British Safety Kitemark Standards (as the Kitemark was not introduced until after World War II) and could become loose and be removed by a small child who accidently mistakes the eye for a toffee and swallows it thus choking and puncturing their oesophegus with the sharp pin. This may result in death. Therefore Bagpuss should be banned or come with the warning

WARNING: PARTS MAY CAUSE CHOKE AND CAUSE DEATH.
KEEP OUT OF REACH OF PEOPLE WITH LOW IMMUNODEFENCE SYSTEMS



sarcaustik - Cotton Wool

Cotton wool should be banned. Imagine the carnage that would ensue if a wad of the stuff was pulled apart in the presence of a hyper sensitive person who happens to be carrying volatile explosives while walking through a school of small children. I know, through personal experience, that the pulling apart of cotton wool is the most horrible thing in the world (apart from thin pieces of brown string being pointed at) and gives me the willies with a similiar reaction to that experienced by people scratching a nail across a black board. Someone who has a much worse reaction, possibly carrying dangerously volatile chemicals through a school packed with small children, might be unable to control the involuntary reaction of going "mehhhhhhh" thus dropping the chemicals causing a reaction and even death.

It should also be noted that cotton wool in the wrong hands could be mistaken for white Candyfloss. A small child or impressionable person might mistake the evil white fluffiness as goodly pink candyfloss (well they might find it in the dark!) and eat the stuff, choke or have an adverse reaction, die or worse. Therefore all cotton wool should be banned immediately or at least labled with the warnings

- WARNING MAY CAUSE CONVULSIONS IN HYPERSENSITIVE PEOPLE CARRYING DANGEROUS CHEMICALS
- WARNING MAY CAUSE DEATH IF MISTAKEN FOR CANDYFLOSS
- DOES NOT CONTAIN CANDYFLOSS (just incase like)
- DO NOT PULL APART IF SENSITIVE TO COTTON WOOL

brusse - Acetone

Acetone is very dangerous indeed. If left unattended a small child with a bag of chips or fries might sprinkle it all over their food mistaking it for vinegar causing nose, throat and lung damage. It could even cause eye damage if the child pokes itself in the eye with an acetone drenched chip. Indeed an unattended bottle of acetone might accidently leak all over the kitchen unit extinguishing any gas flame and causing a gas explosion, suffocation or even the arrival of someone in a beard to warn of the dangers of Acetone in a government comissioned public information film.

Therefore Acetone should be packaged with:-

MAY CAUSE DEATH IF DRUNK (Except with Horlicks)
DOES NOT CONTAIN VINEGAR
MAY BE INDIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR GAS EXPLOSIONS

Incidently, a look on the Agency for Toxic Substances and Disease Registry website reveals:-

How might I be exposed to acetone?

  • Breathing low background levels in the environment.

  • Breathing higher levels of contaminated air in the workplace
    or from using products that contain acetone (for example,
    household chemicals, nail polish, and paint).

  • Drinking water or eating food containing acetone.

  • Touching products containing acetone.

  • For children, eating soil at landfills or hazardous waste
    sites that contain acetone.

  • Smoking or breathing secondhand smoke.



So we must also stop the practice of allowing children to eat soil at landfill and hazardous waste sites. Which is sad and will mean an end to the tradition of playing on toxic waste sites which has become a past time for most people these days. So if we want to continue to allow our children to play on toxic landfill sites we must ban Acetone now! Before its too late!
Who would want to deprive their child of the joys of Eat the Funny soil,Toxic tick, Radiation run or even the old favourite Hide and get trapped in an old fridge?

wimble- Internet Explorer

The dangers of IE have been known for many years. Rumours are abound that Microsoft were aware of the risks involved but rushed this dangerous product out in an effort to compete with Netscape Navigator and other products. Indeed it has been known that the use of IE by children has often lead to death and destruction. Just look at the statistics. Within 5 miles of any crime scene recently there is evidence to the fact that IE will have been used by someone. The rise in crime is not unemployment, poverty or violence on TV, films and games, nor is it because of the rise of hood wearing youths near our shopping centres. It is, and Im sure statistics will back me up on this, the correlation between use of IE and crime. Indeed most murders have been commited by users of IE or by relatives of the murderer using IE some time leading up to the crime itself.

Infact Microsoft are aware of this issue and have actually used a lesser known feature of IE to hide the warning they need to protect their bottoms from corporate law suits. By clicking this in IE

Click me

you will be able to see the hidden warning.

emyrs -safe sex with a significant other

There is no such thing as safe sex. All sex is dangerous and should be banned. Each time safe sex is performed one is risking all kinds of problems and dangers. Let us take into account the case of Mr D. of Barnoldswick who was once a healthy able bodied window cleaner. If it wasnt for Mr & Mrs J performing their act of "safe sex" he might not have caught sight of them through a crack in the curtains and would not have lost his balance thus injuring himself for life. Indeed in another case, a Mr & Mrs H of Harlow, Essex, ended up with severe gangrene after carpet burns obtained by a vigourous session of hows yer father became infected and started oozing pus.

Safe sex should be labelled with such warnings as

CAN CAUSE WINDOW CLEANERS TO LOSE BALANCE
MAY CAUSE CHAFFING
MAY CAUSE GANGRENOUS WOUNDS IF PERFORMED WITHOUT CARE.

tvor - a spoon

Once, around dining tables across the country, the sound of parents saying "Dont do that with your spoon you'll have someones eye out" would fill the ears of those with hearing. Sadly the days of the family sat around the dining table (without a TV) are in decline so children, husbands and potential SO's everywhere are no longer able to recieve the warnings of the dangers of spoons. Therefore Spoons should be emblazoned with the warning

"MAY HAVE SOMEONES EYE OUT IF YOU CONTINUE TO DO THAT"

Just incase. Because you wouldnt want to scoop someone eye out with your spoon now would you? Especially if you are eating lychees and raspberry sauce.


x_bimbette_x - My bed

Well from what I hear your bed is very unsafe. For a start the springs are starting to go on the matress. They might end up going into someones bottom and causing gangrene and as for the pillows, well a small child might mistake them for giant bags of marshmallows and choke on them. Also bouncing up and down on your bed may cause the thing to actually collapse and maim someone horribly.

I'm pretty sure you are required by law to have the following warnings placed around your bed

WARNING OVERSLEEPING MAY CAUSE LATENESS
DANGER OF GANGRENE: SPRINGS ARE A BIT LOSE
CAUTION: ENTRY TO THIS BED WITHOUT PERMISSION MAY RESULT IN A SEVERE KICK IN THE GOOLIES
and the pillow should have the following embroidered on it
DOES NOT CONTAIN MARSHMALLOWS

Clicky for part 2
 
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Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:zoefruitcake
Date:13th May 2005 07:18 (UTC)
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I never realised that my bedroom, complete with toy Bagpush and nail varnish remover was so dangerous - thank you for pointing these hazards out to me

;0)
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:13th May 2005 07:23 (UTC)
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I learnt a lot during the four years I "worked" for the Health & Safety Executive.

thank you for pointing these hazards out to me

Pointing is hazardous in itself....I might have someones eye out o_0
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:25th April 2008 23:12 (UTC)
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This was your first comment on my journal looking at my records ;-) x
[User Picture Icon]
From:celticblissy
Date:13th May 2005 17:42 (UTC)
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I thought Bagpuss was dangerous because if he yawns when you were near to him you fell asleep.
[User Picture Icon]
From:stegzy
Date:14th May 2005 09:30 (UTC)
(Link)
ah good point.

MAY CAUSE NARCOPELSY
[User Picture Icon]
From:celticblissy
Date:14th May 2005 10:22 (UTC)
(Link)
heeheehee

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