Today is slow. The annual freshers rush has ended and we are all sat at our desks trying to look busy when there is really nothing to do. I hate these lulls (I hate being mad busy too) especially as I get plenty of "think time". I really hope I never ever end up in prison or trapped in a building on my own somewhere as I really would go mad. Long periods of inactivity and boredom result in me getting all morose about myself and situation. I start daydreaming about future plans and hair-brain schemes. I then start thinking about how, had I done something different or known something different years ago, I might have been in slightly different circumstances. Or I will think about something that will get me out of my "hate this job" situation, investigate and find that short of being strapped for cash for a few years there's nothing I can do about it.
I then get vexed as I think about the missus, complete with a Sociology degree, a masters in Women's Studies and half a Masters in Enterprise, sat at home unable to get a job. I say unable. She is quite able but unfortunately she is being too picky about which jobs she is applying for. She had a temp job which she did for 3 days. A temp job as a PA! She's not even been a secretary before for fucks sake! Yet she waltzes into a temporary PA job then has a revelation that the job, even though it was only for 7 weeks, was a) too menial b) could have been made permanent so she breaks down and gets signed off on stress. The temping agency has now taken a back seat in her quest to find a new job. Next week she is planning on staying in Wakefield for a few days (and she wants the car She can piss off!) so that she can apply for jobs. Thing is I know she won't. She'll send off a few applications, get bored, then spend 80% of the time farting about with baby Merrie. Thing is if I confront her with these things she'll deny them then turn the discussion round to me and my inadequacies. So I'll just be my usual self, not mention anything about how I feel and get on with it (I am too soft I know!) things wont change I'll get more and more wound up. I'll pop (ie finally give in and say how I feel about it all), she'll get upset and the whole thing will come crashing down round me. Which I don't want.
All I want is a green light for a career change. Yeah ok looking at shops and pubs to buy are footsteps in that direction but that's all they are. Soon as we get to a point where it might become a reality one of us shys away (Oh I'll miss my friends, Oh it might not work, Mummy mummy I'm scared) and everything goes back to square one. I know the only way I can actually feel like I'm achieving something is to do some form of a vocational course or a degree. But I don't want to (and know it wont work if I do) do it part time if I can help it.
Delia (my boss) often calls me in for little stress busting chats about where I am at I've discussed this with her but all work can offer me is sodding self development wanky courses (ie How to make a cup of tea, Licking the arse of customers or You are a drone get used to it) or a part time course (MSCE or Aplus) in wanky computer things. BUT I DON'T WANT TO WORK IN I.T. ANY MORE! So I am exactly back at that position I was before I left HSE. I realise I need to change my path. I make enquires into what to do then something comes along and scuppers it. (Last time it was a job offering more money and what seemed like more progression but that turned out to be all lies and actually a highly stressful pile of arse. Working on Telewests Blueyonder Internet Technical Support Line).
[I Paused here for lunch]
I look at these career change things and all I can see is assistance for those out of work or those who can afford to take time out from employment. Lets do the maths:-
Thing is even if I do cut down by 1 day (for educational purposes) its not just me that would be £300 worse off a month. Looking at angelhands sums we would only really be able to survive on my wages and her redundancy for the next 3 months. Guess that means I should kick her up the arse and get her to get a job to take the £300 a week short fall. Though even better thinking is I have only just had a pay rise which works out at about £100 a month and my loan payments (£150 a month since 1998) finish in January....and even then that depends on whether there is a start date soon or will I have to wait until September (something I'm not too keen on). Either way I will probably have to wait until the missis gets another job.
Hmm....This is what (and why) I do livejournal for. I can get my thoughts written out and see things as a whole and a lot clearer (as well as valuable input from you lot). Ah well...more things for me to think about....Things feel better though....