Stegzonopolis Gnomicpantalon (stegzy) wrote,
Stegzonopolis Gnomicpantalon
stegzy

Stone Age Helpdesk

10,000 BC

Ug:- Ug Helpdesk. Ug help you?
Thog:- Thog call Ug. Thog had fire. Fire gone. Ug help Thog. Ug bring fire back.
Ug:- Thog try relight fire?
Thog: Ug ask stupid question. Of course Thog try relight fire. Fire gone. Thog cold. Ug fix.
Ug:- Thog use flint?
Thog:- Thog use flint. Fire work before water from sky. Water from sky break fire. Ug fix now. Thog get mad.
Ug:- Thog need new wood. Thog need dry wood.
Thog:- Thog no have wood. Thog take Ug wood
Ug:- Thog no take Ug wood. Ug mad.
Thog:- Thog bash Ug
Ug:- Ug bash Thog



[Fast forward 12,000 years and a couple of hours]

2006 AD 09.00hrs GMT

stegzy: Good Morning. Helpdesk How can I help you?
Thog:- Thog call stegzy. Thog had fire. Fire gone. stegzy help Thog. stegzy bring fire back.
stegzy: I'm sorry? I think we have a crossed line please try again caller.
User: Yes this is Dr. Arse from the faculty of Titwank. I had a really important piece of work. So important I never made a back up of it. In fact I only have one copy of it and I've accidentally deleted it.
stegzy - Ok if it was on your network drive [where it should be] you can retrieve it using the Novell salvage files thingy where it magically rescues files you have deleted. If it was on your C: drive [where it shouldn't be] it may be lost forever because the version of Novell we use makes the Recycle bin thingy not work right and we have no way of retrieving it [Short of taking your hard drive to the Hard Core Sex Task Force department of the Police who will then dissolve the drive in acid and rescue your file and all the dodgy things you have downloaded].
Dr Arse:- Oh. Ok. Bye.
stegzy Bye.

10:00hrs GMT

stegzy: Good morning. Helpdesk. How can I help you?
Dr Arse: Yes this is Dr. Arse from the faculty of Titwank. I had a really important piece of work. So important I never made a back up of it. In fact I only have one copy of it and I've accidentally deleted it.
stegzy:- As I explained to you earlier we are unable to salvage your file unless it was on a network drive. CSD recommend that you save important work to you network drive as that is backed up by CSD, stored on tape in a fire proof locker surrounded by man eating prawns in a room marked DANGER LIFT SHAFT. Unless the file was on the network drive there is no way we can retrieve it. Was it on your network drive?
Dr Arse :- No
stegzy Well then....
Dr Arse:- Oh ok Bye.
stegzy Sorry. Bye.

11:00hrs GMT

*Email received

I had a really important piece of work. So important I never made a back up of it. In fact I only have one copy of it and I've accidentally deleted it. It wasn't on my network drive. You must help. It was really important.

Dr Arse
Faculty of Titwank

**Email reply**

Dear Dr Arse, As explained to you by my colleague on the telephone twice before. Unless your file was stored on your network drive we have no way of retrieving the file for you. We also advise that backup copies of extremely important files should be made frequently.

Love

Helpdesk Email Jockey


11:45hrs GMT - Front desk

Dr Arse - Hello. I had a really important piece of work. So important I never made a back up of it. In fact I only have one copy of it and I've accidentally deleted it. It needs to be handed in at 12pm.
Helpdesk lackey - Dr Arse isn't it? Faculty of Titwank?
Dr Arse - Yes
Helpdesk lackey - As we have explained to you via telephone and email yadda yadda yadda...*
Dr Arse - So there really is nothing I can do
Helpdesk lackey - Other than learn, use the network drives and make backups of important files? No
Dr Arse- And there's nothing you can do?
Helpdesk lackey - No
Dr Arse - you're kidding me right?
Helpdesk lackey - yes! Haahaha! It was all a joke! Yes we have your file here! Oh the look on your face!!
Dr Arse - Ah that's good ne..
Helpdesk lackey - Only kidding. No. We are unable to retrieve your file. So instead of emailing and phoning every frikkin half hour maybe you should have rewritten the fucking thing.
Dr Arse - Thog bash Lackey
Lackey - Ug bash Thog
ad nauseam

* - Events after this bit become pure fantasy
Tags: classic, stupid-users, work
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