Thinking is dangerous. Especially if you have a job like mine where there is plenty of free time to mull things over and over again.
Today we discussed, in a round a bout way, direction. I say in a round about way because I started off explaining about the two major places I feel low.
The first is in work; Most readers, and those that know me, will know I hold no candles for my job, I do it out of necessity and by default (I've found it almost impossible to find something that appeals to me or get an interview). Endless periods of boredom is not good. I imagine even prisoners find something to do worthwhile. I spent 4 years (maybe longer) unemployed between 1993 and 1997 though with bouts of temporary employment, during which time I spent a great deal of my time playing computer games, writing music and trying to beat the world record for staying in bed. Totally unhealthy both mentally and physically. I now find myself in a similar position where, although employed (on about £16k pa) I still spend a great deal of my time sedentry and sat infront of a VDU pressing keys on a keyboard to amuse myself.
Yes I know that I should look for something else to do. I've looked. Believe! Theres nothing. I've never really had a career ambition so theres nothing really that I'd desparately want to do. Though watching news on the TV recently I've seen a few things that had I known about them when I was younger, I'd have probably gone in for them (ie horticulture or journalism or film making or engineering). Recently I've had the inclination to go it alone, start my own business or take over an existing one and this does seem to be the path that me and Clair are making (though quite slowly).
The Second place is when I go to my mum and dads. My mum and dad are fantastic. I love them to bits and thank them for all the care and chances they have given me through the years. But when I go round for tea once a week or so I feel like Im not really there. They'll talk to Clair about this that and the other. They talk to me....but it feels indirectly. (Do I crave attention?) 2 hours later I feel bored and end up getting restless and keen to get back to my own house. Maybe its jealousy I dont know but I feel that since Charlotte (my niece) was born I've sort of taken a back seat. I still get the same amount of attention etc. but there just feels like there is something missing. When we're together as a family its me thats the quiet one. Me that sits there listening in to what people have to say. Scared of speaking out incase I get told I'm being silly or immature. FFS Im 30 years old! Not 14!
Somewhere between this I got to explain my circles and squares theory. Sarah listened and took it surprisingly well (well the basis of it at least, I dont know about when I tried to explain how subconsiously we try to block out the circles by filling our lives with squares) and she help me apply this theory to my life and situations.
Ok so I feel low at my mum and dads (possibly because of Charlotte) but its my turn on the circle away from the lime light as it where. (Do you know what I mean or am I going to have to go into detail about the circles thingy? Lemme know). Ok I'm low at work because I feel like Im not achieving anything and I havent made some major change or whatnot, but I'm influencing the people I help day in day out, ok only in minor ways but those minor assistances end up turning the peoples circle further towards their own end. (I should think not "God what a dickhead that user was" but "At least I've helped that medical student get closer to his surgery degree, he might now save the life of someone, who might then go on to do something and influence someone else."
I've got to read the Celestine Prophecy again. I've got to meditate on my circles theory again. I've got to see Michelle again! I've got to watch Amélie again and remind myself why we are all here.
The actions of one influences the many.
We all cause ripples in the pond of life and yet we are all cogs in the giant clock of society. We link together whether we like it or not. Shit things happen but then good things nearly always come out of it. As an old gardener said to me once "Out of horse shit comes prize roses" and likewise, although we'd like good things to happen all the time too much of a good thing can lead to problems in the general flotsham and jetsham of life. (As a dentist once said to me "Too much sugar will rot your teeth"). Inevitably, we must face the bad to have the good. (Keep thinking of turning circles or wheels and you'll get what I mean!) We (as in the human race) must help each other ultimately or the clock will stop.
So in the grand scheme of things I can see where I have to get to (as in my Ultimate goal). Its just how to get there.
Anyway enough pontificating for one day. I dont like it when I get too serious. (Honestly I don't! But to have the zany silliness you all know and love you've got to put up with my whittering once in a while. Deal?)