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The Existential Compost

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25th August 2004

Soft Strong and Very, very long (and probably a load of hairy bollocks) @ 15:06

Current Grassiness: contemplative contemplative

Since todays session with Sarah the counsellor, I've been thinking.

Thinking is dangerous. Especially if you have a job like mine where there is plenty of free time to mull things over and over again.

Today we discussed, in a round a bout way, direction. I say in a round about way because I started off explaining about the two major places I feel low.

The first is in work; Most readers, and those that know me, will know I hold no candles for my job, I do it out of necessity and by default (I've found it almost impossible to find something that appeals to me or get an interview). Endless periods of boredom is not good. I imagine even prisoners find something to do worthwhile. I spent 4 years (maybe longer) unemployed between 1993 and 1997 though with bouts of temporary employment, during which time I spent a great deal of my time playing computer games, writing music and trying to beat the world record for staying in bed. Totally unhealthy both mentally and physically. I now find myself in a similar position where, although employed (on about £16k pa) I still spend a great deal of my time sedentry and sat infront of a VDU pressing keys on a keyboard to amuse myself.

Yes I know that I should look for something else to do. I've looked. Believe! Theres nothing. I've never really had a career ambition so theres nothing really that I'd desparately want to do. Though watching news on the TV recently I've seen a few things that had I known about them when I was younger, I'd have probably gone in for them (ie horticulture or journalism or film making or engineering). Recently I've had the inclination to go it alone, start my own business or take over an existing one and this does seem to be the path that me and Clair are making (though quite slowly).

The Second place is when I go to my mum and dads. My mum and dad are fantastic. I love them to bits and thank them for all the care and chances they have given me through the years. But when I go round for tea once a week or so I feel like Im not really there. They'll talk to Clair about this that and the other. They talk to me....but it feels indirectly. (Do I crave attention?) 2 hours later I feel bored and end up getting restless and keen to get back to my own house. Maybe its jealousy I dont know but I feel that since Charlotte (my niece) was born I've sort of taken a back seat. I still get the same amount of attention etc. but there just feels like there is something missing. When we're together as a family its me thats the quiet one. Me that sits there listening in to what people have to say. Scared of speaking out incase I get told I'm being silly or immature. FFS Im 30 years old! Not 14!

Somewhere between this I got to explain my circles and squares theory. Sarah listened and took it surprisingly well (well the basis of it at least, I dont know about when I tried to explain how subconsiously we try to block out the circles by filling our lives with squares) and she help me apply this theory to my life and situations.

Ok so I feel low at my mum and dads (possibly because of Charlotte) but its my turn on the circle away from the lime light as it where. (Do you know what I mean or am I going to have to go into detail about the circles thingy? Lemme know). Ok I'm low at work because I feel like Im not achieving anything and I havent made some major change or whatnot, but I'm influencing the people I help day in day out, ok only in minor ways but those minor assistances end up turning the peoples circle further towards their own end. (I should think not "God what a dickhead that user was" but "At least I've helped that medical student get closer to his surgery degree, he might now save the life of someone, who might then go on to do something and influence someone else."

I've got to read the Celestine Prophecy again. I've got to meditate on my circles theory again. I've got to see Michelle again! I've got to watch Amélie again and remind myself why we are all here.

The actions of one influences the many.

We all cause ripples in the pond of life and yet we are all cogs in the giant clock of society. We link together whether we like it or not. Shit things happen but then good things nearly always come out of it. As an old gardener said to me once "Out of horse shit comes prize roses" and likewise, although we'd like good things to happen all the time too much of a good thing can lead to problems in the general flotsham and jetsham of life. (As a dentist once said to me "Too much sugar will rot your teeth"). Inevitably, we must face the bad to have the good. (Keep thinking of turning circles or wheels and you'll get what I mean!) We (as in the human race) must help each other ultimately or the clock will stop.

So in the grand scheme of things I can see where I have to get to (as in my Ultimate goal). Its just how to get there.

Anyway enough pontificating for one day. I dont like it when I get too serious. (Honestly I don't! But to have the zany silliness you all know and love you've got to put up with my whittering once in a while. Deal?)
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Date:25th August 2004 07:10 (UTC)
This all sounds to have been very useful. But you are going to have to explain the circles and squares to me.
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Date:25th August 2004 08:14 (UTC)
It was! I will be sad when my counselling sessions finish. I'll get to work on a circles and squares post, hopefully have something before the end of the month.
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Date:25th August 2004 07:23 (UTC)
Yep watch amelie and watch it now and other movies of the like. Will lift you. :)
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Date:25th August 2004 08:12 (UTC)
Amélie is a fantastic film. I'm definately going to watch it again tonight!
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Date:25th August 2004 08:03 (UTC)
on about £16k pa

What's the pa? @.@

And yeah, I agree - you really should explain that circles/squares thing. I've given it some passing thought. It sounds fascinating!
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Date:25th August 2004 08:11 (UTC)
pa - per annum

Stay tuned for the circles squares thing. Its not as exciting as it sounds honest.
Date:25th August 2004 08:47 (UTC)
It's amazing, how many of my friends have been feeling this way recently. I think part of it has to do with age. I'm 25, but my friends range from 25-35ish, and we're all feeling out of sorts. All of us want to do something, be part of something, accomplish something. We all want to make a difference in the world, but we're not all sure how to do it.

I'm dissatisfied with a lot right now. I want to quit my job and sell the house and move to a new city and go back to school. My husband is looking to start a real career, instead of just working a job. (He's in tech support at the local University, with no real chances of job growth.) My friends are all dissatisfied, and are doing different things to try and make changes. Many of them have changed jobs in the last few years. Just as many are quitting to go to grad school to try something else.

For me, at least, it helped to make plans. It helps to know that there's change coming down the pipe, even if I can't see what it's going to be yet. Change is terrifying, but in this case I think that any change will be good as long as it breaks my inertia.

As for feeling lonely and wanting attention... I was just talking to someone yesterday about how I'm constantly fighting myself. Part of me wants to be a homebody, and the rest of me wants to be social and go out. Unfortunately, the path of least resistance is being asocial. It's hard work to create and maintain healthy social relationships.
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Date:25th August 2004 09:05 (UTC)
What an interesting new side of you I've discovered! I like the other, more familiar sides, too, but this is fun (and yes, I'd love to know the circle/square theory).

So...my thoughts - first, you don't have to stay in the career you're in, which you know, but you really CAN do the things you've recently become interested in (like horticulture). It's certainly never too late to go back to school and given your income you're likely to get some sort of financial aid. There are more and more "non-traditional" students in colleges around the world, and I think that's a good thing (education usually is).

However, if that doesn't appeal to you, being your own master is certainly viable, too. My current lover owns his own restaurant - which he used to work at (and manage). By living very, very cheaply for a few years he made enough money to invest in the business and become a partner.

Of course, it doesn't have to be through that venue that you become self-employed. If you lived in the States you'd find there are a lot of venture capitalists (not as many as in the 90s, but they're still out there) and organizations that assist small, first time business owners. No idea how that works in the UK... :-/

But most important is your attitude - if you want to really do it, you often can. I'm on my third career and while it meant starting at the bottom three different times, I worked myself up to positions of responsibility which I enjoyed and which paid reasonably well (it's too long a story about how this happened - that I've had three careers - but if you're interested I'll tell you sometime. I'm not saying it was easy, but it is doable.

Date:25th August 2004 11:06 (UTC)

Full of Well-Meaning Cliches for You Today

Sounds trite but works: what would you do if you didn't have to worry about getting paid/money? Ok, do that and trust in the universe to provide a way (no matter what anyone says). I went from being a bartendar at a dive to being an attorney this way.

The Bed Years: they should inform us of these during our school years so we don't feel so dang bad about them when they happen to so many of us at one time or another.

Maslow's Hierarchy:This makes more sense to me every day. The higher I function, the better I feel. Sounds like your job isn't giving you the higher levels of self-fulfillment, so of course you'll feel like crap.

Horse Manure:I grew up on a horse ranch, out West here, and I finally found a way to make my father smile. I used the horse manure as fertilizer to grow carrots. Carrots which I feed to those same horses. (And, of course, I grow other vegetables, AND I WASH THEM THOROUGHLY.) ;)

Life is never Dick & Jane, and someone should have told us all that years ago, but it's a creative wonderland of opportunity, and I know you've got the brain to have fun and make the most of it! :)

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Date:25th August 2004 22:30 (UTC)
you should read ishmael by daniel quinn, rather than re-reading celestine.
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Date:25th August 2004 22:53 (UTC)
I add my vote of curiosity to the question of circles and squares. Ha.

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