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Jim Gym Djjhymn

Most men over forty

Like with most males over forty, the sense of lessened longevity rises and the need to demonstrate one can wire a light fitting while standing on a steel ladder in a puddle of radioactive piranha fish in the rain diminishes into a more productive need of postponing the inevitable. Out goes the daily greasy bacon sandwich from the dodgy cafe. Away goes the all day alcohol athletics and ta-ta to the tobacco triathalon. Health and longevity increasingly comes first.

Surprised I've reached the age I have after a steady diet of fags, booze and deep fried related treats, one minor heart attack in my late twenties and a 30ft drop from a Snowdonian waterfall, I've gingerly been entering the world of the Gym Bore. Gingerly because I have a light ginger tinge to my hair. Bore because that's all I talk about of a morning with my "lift-to-work" buddy Katy. 

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The East

Ever so the romantic, to celebrate our third wedding anniversary, I took my dear wife zoefruitcake to the East Coast this weekend. The British seaside has a magnetic appeal no matter what time of year you visit. Bleak, grey sands lapped by a cold grey sea set against the crumbling facade of decaying Victoriana. 

Perfect. 

However, while the golden heyday of the British Seaside is still in living memory and some areas having received European regeneration money, the decay of neglect has been spreading deeper because of cash strapped council cuts. It is sad, like the passing or deterioration of an old friend, the end of a cultural pillar, but still there is a fondness for the seaside. Indeed,  while some places like Scarborough, Brighton and Blackpool still remain popular, others like Bridlington, Cleethorpes, Margate and Weston-Super-Mare show the cracks and devastation of a lack of investment. I've visited most of the British coast now I'm in adulthood, enjoying all that the little towns and villages have to offer while observing with an educated eye, the places once popular with the masses, the places once money making engines, now clinging on with Damoclean effort. 

Of course it's not just the big towns that appeal to me, the smaller lesser known towns that started to form their own resorts only for them to falter with the arrival of mass international transport also appeal. As it is, I've always wanted to visit the Humber Coast, so with places still left to visit running out and the cost of getting to the Isle of Wight more expensive than staying two nights there, I thought a trip to the Bridlington area was in order.

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Pop

Can't stop thinking about this....


February

Oh great. It's February......again. Sheesh....

Long term readers will recall I have no truck with February. Ever since the 1970s when there were two Februaries in a year (a fact that has been hidden from the public and denied by many who either forget or are complicit in the conspiracy) February has plagued mankind with its quadrennial bloat. If February was struck from calendars meaning we went from January (which was definitely a year long this year) straight to March and to compensate we added a few extra days to the remaining months, I'd be much happier. 

Of course, why stop there? While we're at reducing the months, let's do away with Wednesdays. Geldoff might not like Mondays but I don't like Wednesdays. Wednesday makes the week seem more of a chore, in conveniently placed in the centre of the week it gloats at you with its "Ha! You're further away from the weekend than you'll ever be" attitude. So let's do away with Wednesdays too. 

And while we're at it, let's bin the number seven. Never liked seven. Difficult to add up with and always where you end up losing count, going directly from six to eight would be much better and with less numbers we would not need February and Wednesdays either.


An unusual British Rural Tradition

Every year, round about this time, during that post Christmas period, amongst the hedgerows and gateways of rural Britain one might be lucky enough to espy the remains of a long standing British tradition.

Flytipping.

I know, rather than use council services, I'll just leave all this shit here.

I've got no idea why, at this time of year, in this current age, certain types of people decide to load a van with rubbish (usually in huge laundry bags), old toys, stuff, books, furniture, bicycles and broken bits and bobs and dump them somewhere quiet and rural. What gives? All of this crap anyone who has a wheelie bin can leave it outside for the bin men to take away. Even if you miss a collection, you can wait until the following week or drive it to the local waste dump.  And if you don't have a car or are completely incapable of disposing of your shite, you can contact any council and explain how you don't have the money/ability to drive/sense to put the correct bin out/discretely use neighbours bins and they will usually advise you on how to  dispose of stuff. 

Honestly, it's so much easier (and cheaper) than paying that shifty transit van owing bloke from the pub £20 to take it all away. And I've no idea why this only seems to happen more frequently in January and the weeks around Christmas.  It's as if some dirty scutters in the UK get so monged on Buckie or crack or whatever during the festive period and forget to put their shite out for collection by the bin men. 

2018

Posty posty post me post

New Year, new post. Not that I get much post these days. The very few sparse items that Postie posts through the letter box end up being either a bill or an appointment reminder. It seems that social media, computers and the social cancer that is Facebook has reduced the need for communication with distant peers to a series of likes and half arsed comments. Gone are the days of writing a letter, sticking it in a postbox and waiting eagerly for a reply.

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During my free time, while my mind repairs itself from 15 years of Facebook abuse, I've been thinking about the good old days of communication, in particular, the lack of mail (electronic or other) that I receive these days from "real people" as opposed to spam and junk mail. Then something my parents once said to me rang true: "The only way you receive letters is if you send letters". 

As a result, I have decided that 2018 will be my year of writing letters. I will send, via letter, details that I would have posted on Facebook to people who, in the past, I might have communicated with solely via Facebook. This, of course, limits me to those people whose addresses I still know (or can work out), but I think it will be an interesting experiment. I bet they won't reply. 

Other New Year projects below the cut: 

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Version 44.1

Fixes:

  • Slow response when waking from sleep - This issue has been resolved by installation of the "8hrs Patch"

  • Issues when subject to extreme heat/cold - An issue would arise where the unit would develop coolant leak or shudder when subject certain environmental conditions, this has now been resolved by adjusting the internal code to apply/remove outer layers where appropriate without operator assistance.

  • Odd behaviour when running multiple "Alcohol" applications concurrently - this has now been resolved by adjusting the code to only allow fewer instances to run

  • Removal of "Facebook Addiction", "Facebook Brainwashing" and "Social Media Narcissism" malware by making unit incompatible with platforms

Issues still requiring solution:

  • "Salary" applications still fail to run safely beyond level 26 without overclocking unit

  • The Malware "Beard" still inherent in unit and manifests despite regular removal and seems to have developed symbiosis with "Hairloss" malware

  • Internal operating devices may require attention from specialist at some future point

  • Remnants of "Can't Be Arsed" virus still evident within deep levels of operating system

  • Continued adjustment of unit's weight causes "Cravings" malware to disrupt "Concentration" subroutines  and "Sn3akySnax" virus to occasionally run

  • "Excitement" and "Anticipation" modules appear to be buggy especially when applying the "Christmas" theme and scenarios

  • "Social Life" module does not appear to have been running correctly for some versions now and may require an upgrade on next build

What's new in this build:

  • Ability to remove presence when required

  • Background base code adjusted to allow for changes in environmental conditions

  • "Enjoyment" module has been adjusted to work better with Cities:Skyline, Netflix (specifically Wormwo0d, Stranger Things, and Jessica Jones) Reddit and Apple Music (tm)

Huge Bread

But at least it's dairy free...


Not so sure about the hipster vitamins

Find me!

The time has come. The moment has arrived. 13 years later someone on Facebook has decided that Gnomepants was offensive and needed to be changed. Of course, I could have kept the name had I been the keeper of "official documents" bearing the said name, but I'm not, so I simply won't use it. No loss to me.

Since then I have been trying to find a replacement realm in which to lurk and read facile updates from people to whom I used to talk to face-to-face on regular occasions before the advent of social media and we all became anti-social. As a result I've managed to get back onto lots of old social platforms most of which, recently, seem to have had a population boom of millennials all not using Facebook. Sadly I don't know many people in real life who use anything other than Facebook to launder the minute details of their lives and all the social media sites that are potential threats to Facebook's dominance don't allow the importing of friends list details from Facebook, thus ensuring Facebook's dominance.  But no matter.

I have rediscovered my Tumblr account, my Apple radio station (Listen in Apple Music) and that I've actually had a Reddit  account for donkey's years (https://www.reddit.com/user/stegzy) and even a Digg (stegzy) and del.ici.ous! (also stegzy) account wow! I'm so retro. As I'm also "in with the kids" you can find me on Flickr (stegzy.gnomepants), Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/stegzygnomepants/) and Snapchat too.


Of course I'm still on the mainstream Social networks like (Twitter [@stegzy] and Google+ (also as stegzy) and also Ello and Diaspora (also as stegzy). Of course there is also Livejournal and Wordpress (where I still post occasionally) and Blogger (stegzyblogspot) which mostly features adds from Pocket and Feedly. I'm on video platforms like Vimeo and Youtube as stegzy too.

Hopefully using IFTTT will aggregate all my various social feeds to Tumblr and occasionally allow it to post to the Stegzy Gnomepants Facebook page (which Facebook have allowed me to keep for now). Alternatively, locate me on www.muckybadger.co.uk or www.stegzy.co.uk.

So there really is no excuse to not being able to contact me. Just don't try doing it through Facebook, as I won't answer.

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stegzy
Stegzonopolis Gnomicpantalon
Slightly better Wordpress version

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